


Why Should That Mean It Isn't Real?

by HedwigsOwl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Ginny Weasley Bashing, Infidelity, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:02:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HedwigsOwl/pseuds/HedwigsOwl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Snape lingers between life and death after Nagini's attack, he dreams of a life with none other than Harry Potter. When he is ripped back to reality he must decide whether to forget these new found feelings or try to convince Harry that what he saw could be real. Harry and Snape return to Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> N/B: I am very sorry. If you read my profile you'll see that I've taken down my older stories so I can really edit them and get my teeth stuck back into them and doing so, I ended up deleting every story I have off every site. Why should that mean it isn't real? wasn't supposed to be taken down, I don't even know how I did that until a kind reader messaged me to inquire. So thanks for that. Sadly, I've lost every ones kind reviews but feel free to give me more to compromise :P
> 
> I am such a tweaker when it comes to my stories and when I went back in to repost the chapters and run my eye over them, changes suddenly happened lol. Nothing major, just a few more Snape/Harry interactions and a few grammar changes.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. I am not making money from this story, it is purely for entertainment.

**Prologue:**

Swathed in the silken shadows of the deepest night, the tunnel leading to the Shrieking shack was the same and yet altered beyond compare. Beyond the twisted, dilapidated passageway Harry had once discovered the only family he had ever known but now all that remained was sure death. And yet, Harry knew it was only right that it was him that travelled this familiar path tonight. He had watched as Hermione and Ron had departed from him with promises that he would take some well deserved rest before he had slipped beneath his invisibility cloak. Sidestepping the crowds of celebrators and mourners scattered amongst the hallways of the castle and its grounds, Harry made his way towards the whomping willow. His final task before he could rest.

Taking a deep breath, Harry lifted himself into the main room, his eyes zoning on the body that lay within. There, amongst the blood and venom and dirt lay Severus Snape. Harry lurched forward and knelt at his side, disregarding the blood that was seeping into his already tattered jeans. A shattering breath escaped his lungs and he tried to swallow against the rising guilt as he stared into the unmoving face of his former professor. At some point during his absence, Snape's eyelids had dropped slightly until his eyes were almost closed, only a flash of the whites showing against the greying skin. If it weren't for the dried blood that darkened one side of his face, Harry could almost believe he was simply sleeping. Harry reached out and grabbed his hand, his breath catching as his fingertips met the shocking cold of his lifeless skin.

"I'm sorry, Sir." Harry whispered from between numbed lips. It was the first time he had addressed the man so respectfully and without reprimand since he had come to Hogwarts seven years ago. From the first twinge of pain in his scar, Snape had become the villain in Harry's eyes and nothing or no one had convinced him otherwise in the years between except for the man himself. Or his memories at least. It had taken Snape's final sacrifice for Harry to have known the truth and now it was too late to make amends or thank him for his steadfast protection over the years. At least now, he could offer the man some dignity after death. With a heavy heart, Harry reached forward and forced Snape's eyelids fully closed, intending to bring his body to rest amongst the other casualties in the castle where he could finally be acknowledged as the hero he was. No sooner had his fingertips touched the chilled skin beneath then Snape's eyes lurched open and with a gasping, shuddering breath he focused on Harry. His pleading eyes a testament to the agony he must be enduring in silence. With a startled yell, Harry fell backwards, his hands slipping on the blood drenched floor beneath as he tried to steady himself.

"Holy fuck," Harry managed after a moment of numbed silence. It wasn't until another pained gasp erupted from Snape's pale lips that Harry scrambled forward, pressing his hand against the gaping wound at his neck. It was only then that he realised the blood beneath his palm was warm, barely flowing as the man's pulse beat dangerously slow. With his free hand, Harry pulled his wand from his clothing. With a blinding flash of light, his stag patronus appeared before him majestically, its head slightly inclined as if awaiting instruction from its master. "Severus Snape is barely alive. He needs help. The Shrieking Shack. Madam Pomfrey. _Now_!"

Turning back to Snape, Harry's wand fell from his fingers with a clatter in the almost silent room. Without thought, his empty hand now moved to the top of the dark head, stroking the matted hair beneath his fingertips in a silent offer of comfort. After a moment, Snape focused on Harry pleadingly, his lips barely moving as if he were trying to form words. Harry rubbed his head reassuringly and pressed his palm harder against the slow steam of blood. Distantly Harry realised his hands were trembling against the man's skin and he took a calming breath against the rising panic he felt deep within his chest.

"Everything's gonna be fine, Sir." Harry spoke mindlessly, staring into the dark eyes that pleaded with him for relief. "You're safe now. He's dead. Voldemort's dead. You did it."

For a split second, Harry was sure he saw a flash of relief in Snape's eyes before they became pained once more. Harry gave him a shaky smile and nodded in assurance, his thumb now making a path across his clammy skin with every stroke of his palm.

"You were incredible." Harry said, his only thought to provide the man some comfort from his pain. Snape blinked once slowly, purposefully whether in agreement or thanks Harry didn't know but the conscious act eased some of Harry's panic. Snape's eyes never left his face. "Someone's coming to help, I just need you to hold on. Please, just keep fighting."

This time Snape responded with a pitying moan from deep within his throat as if to express the pain he was in. Harry's heart clenched in sympathy and wondered if it were better for the man to simply slip away. After all, Harry knew only too well that death was easy. Peaceful. And yet something held him back. A churning in his gut that convinced him otherwise.

"I know it hurts," Harry continued, ignoring another spike of fear rushing through him. Without conscious thought, the thumb of his other hand stroked the man's jaw gently, removing flakes of blood in its track. "But you're the bravest man I know and there's so much that needs to be said. I need you to stay alive. Even if you just tell me to piss off."

Harry took shaky breath against another wave of guilt that threatened to suffocate him. "I'm so sorry, I thought you were dead."

He almost laughed as he saw Snape's eyes roll upwards slightly and if he had the energy to talk he was sure it would have been accompanied with a scathing remark about Harry's stupidity and arrogance. And yet there was no malice in those dark eyes any more, no hatred. It was as if the man was stripped bare of his past and for the first time, Harry no longer felt like his most despised student but an equal. A loud thud erupted from behind them and Harry felt Snape tense imperceptibly. Glancing behind him, he almost cried in relief as he saw Madam Pomfrey pull herself into the room followed by a stern faced McGonagall.

"It's alright," Harry repeated, facing Snape again. "It's help, there's no danger any more. You're safe."

Strong hands pulled him to the side and for a moment he tensed, prepared to fight against the attack, not wanting to leave the man's side. After another firm shove, Harry finally relented and quickly grabbing his wand, moved to the side. He stumbled as he got to his feet, his legs shaking with pins and needles, all of them dancing crazily and moved next to McGonagall. He distantly wondered how long he had stayed behind the man's side and yet made no attempt to talk to either woman, his eyes instead focused on the injured man at his feet. A strong female hand landed on his shoulder in comfort as they listened to Madam Pomfrey mutter spells that Harry had no knowledge of under her breath. After a few tense moments, Harry gasped as he saw the skin of Snape neck slowly knit together as if guided by an invisible needle. Soon after, the blood that had steadily pooled around his head began to recede and the deeply etched lines in the man's face began to soften as his pain eased somewhat.

"He's lost a lot of blood." Madam Pomfrey finally spoke without turning around. "We must get him to St. Mungo's at once. I'm going to put you under Severus, it'll be easier to move you that way."

She added, addressing Snape herself as she lifted her wand. Suddenly Snape's eyes darted towards Harry, beseeching him. Harry unconsciously stepped forward, shrugging off McGonagall's hand as he moved and spoke fervently, somehow knowing how to reassure the man.

"You're safe." Harry confirmed again and again as he watched the man finally succumb to his exhaustion. "I'll stay with you."

**HPHPHPHPHPHP**

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair, his muscles protesting in agony from their painful confinement. For days he had sat beside Snape's unconscious body, leaving only to use the toilet and freshen up with a change of clothes. He had to resort to his elevated station within the wizarding world to ensure that he was not forcibly removed from the ward once visiting hours had ended. After all, he had promised Snape he wouldn't leave him, not until he was out of danger and after the man's unwavering dedication to Voldemort's downfall Harry thought it was the least he could do. He shifted again, this time in embarrassment as he recalled his actions the night of the final battle and his too familiar conduct with his once hated professor. He was sure that once Snape fully regained consciousness he would be mocked for eternity for his _simpering behaviour_. Instead Harry attested his demeanour during their brief interaction to the battle, his exhaustion and the shock of Severus Snape coming back to life before his eyes. Any other niggling feelings in regards to the man, Harry was choosing to ignore at this point.

Pulling back the curtain that had he had carefully shut against prying eyes several days before, Harry saw the lightening sky beyond the window and the still forms of the other patients in the ward. From a glance, Harry concluded that it was sometime in the early hours of the morning. He sighed loudly and let the curtain drop back into place. A deep chuckle filled the air and Harry snapped his head towards the sound so quickly he was surprised his neck didn't break in half. He met familiar dark eyes. However, they no longer appeared black but a deep brown, and held neither anger or mockery as Harry had feared. They were staring at him with open affection, his eyes barely focusing as if he were still trapped between sleep and awake.

"You're awake." Harry stated obviously, unsure of how to interact with the man now that he had finally regained consciousness. However, Snape did not seem to hear him and instead lifted a shaky hand from its place against his chest. Harry nearly flinched as Snape's arm reached out towards him tentatively and with obvious difficultly, and ran the back of his index finger against his cheek lovingly. After a moment, Snape's arm dropped to the bed with a clear thud as if the simple act of lifting his arm was too physically demanding for his body to handle.

"Go home, Harry." Snape said softly, with a warmth Harry had never heard coming from the man; his eyes beginning to close even as he spoke. "Sleep. There is no more danger."

After several moments, Harry forced his gaping jaw shut and stared at the man as his breathing deepened and he fell asleep again, a small peaceful smile formed on his lips. He could still feel the path Snape's touch had left on cheek as if his skin had caught fire and swallowed painfully against the shock that was choking him. Stumbling to his feet, Harry stared at the sleeping form before him, his mind swirling with confusion and unasked questions. After a few hesitant breaths, and with Snape's somewhat dubious consent, Harry finally pulled back the curtain and left.


	2. Chapter One:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Chapter One with some changes...please refer to prologue notes if you are confused :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. I am not making any money for this, it is purely for entertainment.

**Chapter One:**

"Do you intend on standing on my door step like a codfish all evening, Mr Potter?" Severus managed to say despite the blush that threatened to rise to his cheeks at the wandering eyes of his former pupil. Harry jumped at the question and his eyes finally rested on Severus' as he shifted on the spot. Feeling somewhat uncomfortable at the attention, Severus suddenly realised that he had answered his door without thought, wearing his shirt open at the collar, his scarred neck on display. Harry's eyes widened comically as Severus hastened to pull his collar close.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't staring at your neck." He stuttered, taking an unconscious step forward. "It's looking loads better since I last saw it. I've just...I've never...seen you without your robes on."

Harry finished pathetically, looking down at his feet. Severus swallowed against the smile that was threatening to form at the man's explanation. A few months ago, this display would have disgusted him and yet he now struggled not to pull the man into his arms. He felt his absence as keenly as if he had severed a limb from his own body. Taking some pity on the man, Severus moved to the side to allow entrance to his private rooms; "Eloquent as ever, Potter."

Expecting the man to return with some biting comment as would be the normal response, Severus had to blink in surprise as he was rewarded instead with a blinding smile.

"Sorry," Harry said with a casual smile, moving past Severus with a brush of his shoulder, "You still have this amazing ability to make me feel like a first year caught doing something wrong. Even after everything."

"Perhaps if you hadn't spent so much of your school years in wrong doings, you would not be so familiar with such a feeling."

"Perhaps." He agreed lightly, turning to Severus again with a smirk. "I'm sorry for disturbing you like this but I was just with McGonagall and she told me that you had been released from St. Mungo's."

"Yes, well." Severus responded, closing the door behind him. "I'm as healed as possible and I found myself less than impressed with their services. The food was deplorable and the potions I received in their care were barely passable. Even you could do better."

"That is saying something." Harry agreed with a small laugh.

"My replacement was much more complementary in your potion making skills if I recall." Severus said, smirking. "Quite the unexpected genius."

Harry's smile became something less than amused, more primal as he took a step towards Severus. "We both know that I had an exceptional teacher that year and I'm not talking about Slughorn."

"Harry Potter finally admitting to wrong doing?" Severus was sure Harry could hear the beating of his heart as tried to divert the conversation to safer ground. Of course, he had known that Harry had somehow managed to acquire his potions textbook as a student, one he had carelessly misplaced, the moment he stood over Draco Malfoy's mutilated body. The boy, as he was then, wore his heart on his sleeve so much that one glance in his eyes had confirmed his suspicions, despite Harry's later claims of denial. He idly wondered if the man still had the book in his possession.

"I'm turning over a new leaf." There was a heavy pause as Harry searched his face intently as if seeking some small recognition of some kind. Severus felt something settle in his stomach at the look, feeling as if he were missing something important. Something he should have remembered and yet had forgotten. After a while, Harry simply shrugged and looked around the room with an indifferent glance. "The Headmistress says your returning to teach potions this year."

"It hasn't been decided yet. Have a seat."

Walking towards the small sofa placed in front of the fireplace, Severus turned towards his drinks cabinet and poured two small glasses of firewhiskey. Taking a deep breath, Severus faced his guest and held out a tumbler in offering. With a whispered thanks, Harry took the drink and dropped onto the sofa with an audible thump, cradling the glass between his hands as if to warm the golden liquid within. Severus stood in front of fireplace, staring into the flickering flames as a comfortable yet expectant silence fell around them. Harry broke the still first.

"I don't know what you remember of that night," He offered not having to explain to Severus what "night" he was referring to. "But I want to apologise. I should have never left you like that. I should have checked that you were-"

"Enough, Potter." Severus had intended his tone to be harsh and yet it had come out as soft, comforting. He couldn't bear the guilt in the other man's tone. "You have nothing to apologise for. Venom can reek havoc on the body, can mimic death better than any other toxic known to man. I owe you my life. It seems I am still indebted to the Potter name."

"You owe me nothing, Sir." Harry replied softly and Severus closed his eyes against the desire that flooded him. That loving tone, that voice that had been so familiar to him and yet had only been a figment of his delirious mind. The healers at St. Mungo's had informed him that he had been unconscious for six days and yet to Severus it had felt like a lifetime. With Harry. Severus mentally shook his head to rid himself of the all too tempting memories. This was not the man from his fevered dreams and he could not treat him as such. It was better best forgotten.

"Minerva informs me that you are to join the Aurors shortly." Severus turned the conversation to more neutral grounds, and yet he refused to face him. "Please accept my sincere congratulations."

"It hasn't been decided yet." Harry replied, and Severus could hear the teasing smile in his voice. Finally Severus turned to face his guest and lifted an eyebrow in query. The smile in question slipped from his face. Harry took a shuddering breath, his shoulders shaking from the force and looked down into his glass, staring into the liquid as if it held the secrets of the universe. "I was fourteen when I decided I wanted to be an auror and part of that was to help me fight Voldemort. I don't know, in a way it feels like the person that walked into the forest is gone and someone else walked out."

"The truth is," Harry continued after a pregnant pause. It seemed to Severus that he struggled to voice each word, as if he had never spoke of these concerns to anyone before. They visibly pained the younger man, like the slow drawing of poison from an open wound. "I never thought I would live to see my eighteenth birthday never mind what life I wanted afterwards. I feel...lost."

The last word was said on a breath and Severus felt his heart clench in response. He knew of that feeling all too well. "You may do whatever you wish, Potter."

"Hogwarts is the only home I've ever known." Harry continued as if Severus had never spoken. "I thought if I came back here, I'd be able to figure that out."

Severus had intended to let that comment pass, not wanting to admit how much he understood the man's pain and yet without thought, he found himself responding. "It seems you and I are in agreement for once, Mr Potter."

Severus could feel the eyes boring into the side of his head and he drained the remainder of his drink to distract himself from that piercing gaze. Eyes that had once been so similar to Lily's once upon a time but had now seen too many horrors that she never had to witness. Those beautiful eyes belonged to Harry alone. Severus heard Harry cough slightly as if he had swallowed his alcohol too quickly before he heard the tell-tale noise of glass hitting wood as the tumbler was set to the side.

"Sir." Harry said firmly, imploringly. Taking a deep breath, Severus turned towards Harry with an eyebrow raised, desperately trying to ignore his racing heart. Harry now stood directly behind him and the air around them had become intense, perilous with the utterance, as if the weight of a thousand words rested in that one. "The reason I came here was to apologise for my behaviour over the years. I would like to start over. I would like to be your friend if you'd let me."

Severus would have bet a thousand galleons that Harry had rehearsed those words countless times. His tone had remained steady throughout yet the slight trembling of his throat as he swallowed displayed his true unease. Harry shifted on the spot as Severus remained silent for a time but bravely held out his hand in a sign of friendship.

"I am no hero." Severus said harshly and Harry blinked suddenly, a look of confusion crossing his handsome face.

"Maybe not. But I'd like to know you all the same."

Severus felt his heart stop. Without his knowing, his hand had reached out and grasped Harry's in its hold, his thumb unconsciously stroking the soft skin beneath as it moved back and forth. A faint blush appeared on the younger man's cheeks as neither of them made a move to separate yet his smile was tremulous. Again, Severus felt that uncontrollable rush of desire course through him as he stared into the familiar face before him and a thousand unwanted thoughts came to his mind. How easy it would be to pull the man into his arms as he had so many times in his dreams, memories of Harry's strong body against him causing tremors to race through his body. Cursing his lack of robes, Severus reluctantly released Harry's hand and turned away slightly to hide his heated response to the innocent touch.

"Since we're such good friends, Potter-"

"Harry. I'd like it if you called me Harry."

Severus nodded in acquiescence and Harry's face split into a smile as if he had just been given a remarkable gift. He supposed to Harry, his compliance was something remarkable indeed but to Severus it was no great hardship any more. He had been referring to the man as Harry in his head for months anyway. "Very well, Harry. May I ask you something personal?"

Severus asked motioning for the two of them to take a seat. Dropping back into his earlier spot, Harry turned to him as he sat next to him, knees almost touching. "Of course."

"As I am neither one for gossip or tabloids, I find myself turning to the original source." Severus paused and looked at Harry expectantly. "Many witnesses saw the Dark Lord kill you, Hagrid has told the story so many time since my return to the castle I am able to repeat his version of events word for word and yet it is almost too impossible to believe that you walked out of that forest. Even for the Boy-Who-Lived."

Harry smiled with understanding. "You want to know how I survived?"

"Correct."

"Because I chose to. The night Voldemort returned he took my blood to rebuild his body and tied me to him, even in death. By killing me, he destroyed the Horcrux inside me but he also gave me a way to come back." Harry replied mechanically, as if he were his friend Granger rhyming off an answer from a textbook, word for word. Severus imagined he had to repeat the story many times since his triumphant return. Harry laughed suddenly, softly as if he were recalling a fond memory. "I was tempted to not come back but Dumbledore managed to gently convince me as he always did."

"Dumbledore?" Severus said with such force that Harry jumped. "What on earth do you mean? Albus is dead, I should know. I killed him myself."

Harry looked at him strangely at the sudden desperation in his voice and yet he was not surprised at the disbelief. "Um, yeah. I know it sounds nuts but I was at King's Cross with Dumbledore. It felt like we spoke for hours even though I was only dead a few seconds."

Severus felt something heavy settle in his throat, in his chest, making even the simple act of breathing seem difficult. Staring into the flickering flames before him, his mind raced with scattered thoughts and strange emotions until he felt dizzy with it all. He had spoken to no one of what had occurred while he had lingered between life and death as he knew of no other person who would listen without disbelief or scorn. And here, sat the one person who could truly understand what had happened to him yet, ironically, was the one person Severus couldn't talk to.

"Was it real?" Severus finally whispered. Surprisingly, Harry laughed softly.

"I asked Dumbledore the exact same thing. He said that even though it was happening inside my head, it didn't mean that it wasn't real. Whether Dumbledore said those things to me or not, it still means everything to me. I think that no matter what, it was real to me and that's what really matters."

Severus turned his head and stared into Harry's eyes. Despite himself, he felt a flickering of hope in his chest. "Precisely."

"Did you see something, Sir?" He asked after a length of time, a look of realisation flashing across his face. "You...you were as close to death as anyone I've ever seen. Did you see something?"

In the days to come, Severus would have regretted being honest with the younger man, forgetting that he was one of Severus' students and pressing the tentative friendship they had only just forged but he found for the first time in his life, he could not lie. "Yes. I saw something that could not have existed."

"What?" Harry whispered back as if he were afraid to break the still that had befallen them.

"I saw my life as it is and yet with the person I loved above all, who loved me, by my side. I dreamt of a peace I have never known."

Severus blinked in surprise when Harry looked away, a hint of sadness marring his beautiful face, staring unseeingly into the flames. "You loved my mother."

"Yes." Severus responded, tilting his head to the side to try and catch his eye. "Much in the way you love your Miss Granger."

Harry turned his head to stare at Severus with shock and something else undefinable lingering within the emerald depths. "All this time...you loved her as a friend?"

Severus only nodded in response. Something glittered in Harry's eyes at the revelation and Severus found himself being pulled in until he was blind to everything. All he could see was Harry. A part of him desperately wished that the other man would ask him who he had dreamt of and yet he knew Harry would never ask.

"You love very strongly." Harry said simply, blushing as if the words embarrassed him to voice even as he spoke them.

"Yes." Severus croaked, his glance dropping to Harry's lips. "I have little experience of it, when I have it, I treasure it."

The thought of kissing him had no sooner crossed Severus' mind than Harry jumped up from the sofa as if he had been burned.

"Oh fuck!" Harry said distractedly, turning on the spot in one way to another as if he couldn't decide on which direction to take. Severus smirked in amusement, feeling equal amounts of relief and disappointment that the moment that had consumed them had come to an abrupt end.

"Language, Mr Potter." Severus said lightly and Harry laughed.

"I was supposed to meet Ginny...half and hour ago." He added, pulling out a battered looking pocket watch. Severus felt a spark of jealousy radiate through him at the thought of the girl. Severus was a possessive man, it was true. "She's going to kill me. I should go."

And yet even as he spoke, he seemed as reluctant to leave Severus as Severus was to let him go.

"I hope I see you again." Harry said after a moment of silence, turning to look at the door he had entered from. Glancing back at Severus, he smiled warmly, a hint of teasing in the upturn of his mouth. "You're easier to talk to when you're not deducting points."

Severus looked down at his clasped hands to hide his amusement. With a whispered "goodbye" the other man turned and crossed the room in purposeful strides. It wasn't until the door closed behind him with a resounding _thump_ that Severus jumped to his feet, Harry's words swimming through his head as clear as if someone were screaming them.

_Why should that mean it isn't real? Why can't it be real?_

Crossing the room in great strides, Severus turned the knob of the bathroom door and stormed in, bouncing the door off the wall hard enough to chip the paint and knock over the many bottles of shower gel and shampoo that had littered the edge of the ancient bathtub. And there he was, glaring at him from above the wash basin., his eyes cold, his thin lips curled over yellow, crooked teeth and his limp greasy hair falling around his sunken face. The reflection of himself as others saw him but to Severus it was a perfect stranger. This was the true mask he bore to the world, to keep them from seeing what lay beneath. Severus gave a rueful laugh. _Worked like a charm_ , he thought with self-loathing. So few had tried to see beyond his ghastly appearance and unapproachable personality and those who dared had died by his actions, his thirst for power, his greed. Lily, Albus... _Harry_. But Harry had achieved the impossible once more and survived; lived to stand in his private rooms and offer Severus the hand of friendship as shy and tentative as it was.

He stood in front of his mirror, his hands grasping the rim of the basin until his hands became stone white, not sure what to do next. For once he had no master leading his hand, no grand scheme to follow. He was neither death eater or spy but just a man in control of his own destiny with nothing or no one to call his own. A deep longing ached inside his chest as he recalled the dream-life he had so cruelly been ripped from: a happiness he had never known before and a loneliness that had yet to fade since.

" _Listen to me, Severus."_ Harry spoke to him from mind. _"I don't a shit what the world thinks of me. They can reject me, they can hate me. I don't care as long as you love me. You're in my blood, Severus. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, old man and fuck me."_

A silent moan escaped between his lips as another memory assaulted him and he wanted to scream against the unfairness of it all. He had been loved completely by the Harry of his dreams yet the Harry of his reality would never know of the connection they had shared. Perhaps it were best that he forgot the strange event entirely and treat Harry no differently than any other student until the year ended and they would have no reason to see each other again. Severus shuddered when he thought it, the way he would sometimes shudder after swallowing a particularly strong mouthful of firewhiskey. But the shudder past and he stared resolutely into his reflection. He was no simple-minded fool who would simper at how unfair his life had been and let this opportunity pass him by. No Dark Lord reigned over him any more. He was free to live how he wanted and as he closed his eyes the only thought he had was of _him_. And Severus was nothing if not determined.

 _First things first,_ Severus thought as he pulled his wand from his sleeve, _time to leave the mask behind_. He lifted his wand to his face but paused as the magnitude of what he was hoping to achieve finally hit him and he lowered his wand once more. The thought of tricking Harry, manipulating him into accepting him crossed his mind briefly but Severus rejected it as soon as he thought it. He wanted Harry's love not his hate. No, there was only one way to do it Severus thought as he lift his wand again to hover in front of his nose. No matter how long it took, he had to make Harry Potter fall in love with him. Any simpering little red heads who fancied themselves in love were nothing more than an inconvenience. He would make sure of it.

With a deep breath to ready himself Severus snapped his wand to the side quickly, closing his eyes against the stem of tears that threatened to fall as his nose broke. Blood began to flow down his face as he blinked rapidly and stared at himself in the mirror. With another flick of his wand, his nose cracked loudly and knitted itself without strain or scaring. He remembered the many times his nose had been broken over the years, by his father, by Potter Senior, by the Dark Lord for his tainted blood and each time Severus had healed it crudely until it became distorted as well as large. Severus waved his wand again and his hair lost its greasy shine and instead glowed with health. No doubt that would soon disappear the moment he stood before a cauldron but he was sure that when he was a teenager he had come across a potion that ensured the protection of ones hair during brewing. Until now he barely had the energy to care of such trivial matters. The length had grown out over the last year and his recent stay in St. Mungo's and now reached below his shoulders. Another swipe of his wand had it chopped in half, accidentally cutting it too short without the added weight of grease. Severus grimaced at the result. If his teaching career ceased to be, he was sure he wouldn't make a living in styling hair. He rarely had much practice in cutting hair, often avoiding it after years of bullying from others for his uneven haircuts as a child. He often just let it grow until it became unmanageable.

Severus ran a tired hand over his face. The lines that had appeared in the last several years from stress, exhaustion and age would never truly fade yet he thought escaping the dungeons for a few days while the weather still remained warm might improve his pale, gaunt skin. While his nose was now straighter and more central and his hair no longer hung in clumps around his face, he was in no denial. Severus knew that no magic in the world could change his looks so that he would be as classically handsome as some. He stretched his neck to the side to observe the scarred skin that would forever remain and squashed the mad desire to return to his high neck robes to avoid prying eyes and questions. However, Severus remembered the way Harry had stared at his chest with open admiration and endeavoured to change his wardrobe with great haste. Turning back to the task at hand, Severus smiled widely, his straining facial muscles a testament to how rarely he truly smiled before he relaxed his mouth with a frown. He looked insane, _utterly insane._ With a mental shrug Severus worked on removing the stains from his teeth, blinking against the pressure in his mouth as they shifted and moved into alignment. He stopped abruptly when an image of Gilderoy Lockhart swanning around the castle, blinding any who crossed his path with his smile, came unbidden to his mind and decided that his teeth had been improved enough. When he was done, Severus gave a tired sigh and placed his wand in his shirt sleeve. While he had done very little in the way of physical demand, the entire process had been somewhat emotionally draining and yet cathartic. With a nod at his reflection, he touched a finger to the mirror firmly.

"It all starts now, Severus," He said decisively before turning on his heel. As he was closing the bathroom door, idly wondering if he could brew up a batch of stain-removing cream as he left, the mirror responded "Oh yes, very nice, dear."

**HPHPHPHPHPHP**

"Come in." Severus entered the office without hesitation with the firm command. Sitting behind the ornate desk sat Minerva McGonagall looking as stern as ever in her green tartan robes and pointed hat but her mouth had softened somewhat when Severus entered the room. "Severus? You look much improved. Is there something I can do for you?"

"The offer of employment." Severus stated directly. He avoided looking around the room and chose instead to linger near the door, however he already noted many of the changes that had occurred in the circular room since Minerva had been reinstated as acting head of Hogwarts. During his brief time as Headmaster, he had changed nothing of Dumbledore's office or his belongings. It was not his to claim. "I accept."

Minerva looked at Severus with surprise but soon agreed with a nod. "I am glad to hear it, Severus. I was hoping you would stay with us, I've already had to replace so many of the staff-"

"For the year." Severus interrupted as gently as he could. "I will stay here for the year until a suitable candidate can be found. After that, my time as a teacher will come to an end."

"Very well, Severus." Minerva said after a moment and Severus was touched as the clear sadness his leaving was having on the older woman. They had barely communicated during the previous year when she had been convinced he had betrayed Albus but since his true allegiance had been declared, he had often seen her glance at him with regret and guilt at their strained relationship. However, Severus felt no anger. He had played his part well. "Please know, that you will always have a place at Hogwarts should you wish to return."

"I appreciate it." Severus replied genuinely with a small bow in farewell.

"Severus?" Turning away from the open door, Severus turned to the older woman who was now staring at him imploringly. "I must remind you that many of our older students will be returning to repeat their final years and while your previous role required you to present a particular persona to many of them, I must ask that you treat everyone fairly."

Severus felt his mouth twitch in amusement. "Is there a particular student you had mind, Minerva?"

"You and Potter's hatred of each other is as legendary in these halls as the boy's name." Minerva replied shrewdly. "While I know you and he will never truly become friends, I would ask that you treat him decently this year. He has been through more than anyone should have to and he was most distraught when you were injured. Please be nice to him. This is my only requirement of your return, Severus."

"I will endeavor to meet your request, Minerva."

Severus left the office before his smirk betrayed him. He would certainly do everything in his power to be _nice_ to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Please review :)
> 
> XX


	3. Chapter Two:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Chapter Two with some changes...please refer to prologue notes if you are confused :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. I am not making any money for this, it is purely for entertainment.

**Chapter Two:**

The sky was violent over the Scottish landscape as Harry stepped through the majestic gates of Hogwarts. There was no horizon, no centre, no visible boundary between land and sky. The grounds, with its towering forest and vast lake were submerged in complete darkness. Even Hagrid's hut, which normally emitted a welcoming light, showed no signs of life. Hogwarts Castle, however, was more than visible against the empty sky. With its jet-black turrets, light radiated from its many windows and the stone steps leading up to the oak front doors were bathed in a golden glow that spilled from the entrance hall. Despite the altered appearance to the once familiar landscape since the battle several months previous, it was like a beacon to Harry in the surrounding night. It was home.

Shaking off the effects of long distance apparition, Harry stumbled forward along the uneven road towards the castle. He distantly noted the deep, long grooves embedded into the mud beneath his feet, no doubt caused by the wheels of the carriages as the made their journey from Hogsmeade station. A roll of thunder reached Harry's ears from a short distance away, so loud the ground beneath him trembled. Even though he knew he was alone, he couldn't help but looking over his shoulder. Again, nothing was there but the long mark of his own shadow and suspicions. Gripping his lit wand tighter, Harry raised his eyes to the empty sky again as if searching for something and yet it was still and unchanging once more. It seemed there was a storm brewing tonight.

A cold wind propelled Harry forward, lifting his robes and causing his hair to stand on end. Shivering slightly, Harry wrapped his cloak tighter around his body and set off again, all thoughts of storms pushed to the back of his mind. As his thoughts instead drifted to the welcoming feast, he found his pace had quickened significantly and before long he was standing before the grand entrance hall. With a twirl of his wand as if wrapping himself with invisible rope, Harry felt a pleasant tingling radiate from the top of his head, through his body, to his feet as his disillusionment charm took effect. He could achieve the same effect with his invisibility cloak yet it was currently tucked away in his shrunken trunk. Considering, the haphazard way he had packed his belongings, Harry was sure it would have taken him twice as long to locate his cloak as performing the simple spell. Stepping into the entrance hall, Harry was hit with the loud babble of conversation and the mouth watering scent of food coming from the Great Hall.

Moving towards the double doors, Harry paused as he scanned the Gryffindor table. The cavernous room was filled with students and food and warmth. Candles floated above the tables, illuminating the animated faces of the students as they conversed with each other over dinner. The house ghosts moved along the tables, radiating a silvery glow as they past. Quickly locating Hermione and Ron Harry set off between the tables, catching snippets of talk as he passed.

"-weird being here, considering You-Know-Who died _in this room!_ Not to mention Dumble-"

"-supposed to go to Corfu but the flights were so expensive and dad already got a warning from the Ministry about using his magic carpet -"

"-oh he's so _handsome_. I hope I'm in his class. What did the headmistress say he taught -"

"-who knew the greasy git had shampoo-"

"-defence against the dark arts tomorrow. Let's hope we actually have a decent teacher this year-

"-shame he didn't make over his personality. I say Potter was bonkers when he said he was a hero. Still looks like a right toss pot to me."

Harry stopped in his tracks as the muttered conversation of the students finally registered in his head. Looking over the stop of the student's heads to the staff table that ran along the top wall of the Hall, Harry quickly scanned the length of the table noting the many familiar and unfamiliar faces he encountered. He paused however, with a sharp intake of breath, on one familiar face in particular, one he had spent most of the summer trying desperately not to think about. While Harry was sure it was not Severus Snape that the younger girl was declaring "handsome" he was indeed striking. Though not drastically changed, the small differences he could see was more than enough to make the man look slightly younger, less terrifying and to Harry, much too appealing. His hair was indeed softer, cleaner and his overall complexion no way resembled his usual unpleasant demeanor. No sooner had Harry decided that he needed to move before the feast ended, Snape's eyes lifted from his plate and scanned the room with a scowl as if trying to frighten every student into submission. Harry felt his heart stop suddenly and then redouble when Snape's eyes ceased scanning the room and instead focused with a knowing intensity on Harry himself, as if he could see through his disillusionment.

Swallowing against the lump that had formed in his throat, Harry looked down at his body, or what had been his body, for it now resembled the flagged stone floor beneath him and reaffirmed that his charm had not been disabled. Unwillingly, because he half hoped their attention had moved on, Harry raised his head and met Snape's dark eyes again, which now held faint humour and something more primal, more dangerous glittering amongst the depths. Harry felt the blood rise to his face and if he were visible, he was sure his cheeks would be red with embarrassment. The skin at the back of his right hand tingled where Snape's thumb had lingered during their not too brief handshake weeks before. Summoning his courage, Harry looked away from the hypnotising eyes and stumbled towards his house table, slipping onto the bench beside Hermione which had conveniently been left empty.

"He'll be fine, Hermione," Ron said placatingly as he shovelled food into his mouth. "He said he wasn't going to be on the train."

"I know but he's late," Hermione responded with a roll of her eyes, "and will you please close your mouth when you eat, Ronald."

Harry had to bite against the laughter than was threatening to escape as he heard the all too familiar argument. With a flick of his wand, and a slight chill down his spine, Harry became visible once more.

"It is disgusting, Ron."

As Ron's attention had been on his food and Hermione's had been on Ron, neither of them had seen the moment when Harry had reappeared. His sudden declaration caused Hermione to shriek loudly and Ron to jump so violently his fork of mashed potatoes scattered over several disgruntled Gryffindors and a younger Hufflepuff behind him who retaliated by throwing a bread roll at the back of his head.

"You bloody wanker, where did you come from?" Ron grumbled, rubbing the back of his head with a scowl. Hermione glared at Ron for his offending language before turning her attention to Harry.

"Honestly, Harry," She said hotly, "was that really necessary?"

"Not necessary but funny nonetheless. I was trying to keep a low profile but I guess that's out the window now." Harry finished, noting the number of faces now turned towards him with open curiosity at Hermione's shriek. He nodded towards Neville, Dean and Seamus who were currently removing potato from their hair and robes in greeting. Ignoring the rest of the eyes on him, Harry began loading his plate with chicken pie. "Did I miss anything?"

"You missed the sorting," Hermione said, her anger seemingly forgotten as she informed Harry of the news at Hogwarts. "There's not as many new students as in previous years and Professor McGonagall already gave her speech before the feast. Usual notices and she spoke about healing from the war and how inter house cooperation is vital especially in this fragile time. As Head girl, it is something I shall certainly aim for."

"Fat chance." Ron said with a snort, as he attacked his steak and kidney pie with indecent enthusiasm. "I didn't see many Slytherin's showing inter house cooperation during the war."

"They played their part." Harry responded, his eyes unconsciously drifting towards Snape again who was currently playing with his food more than eating it. "Who are the new teachers?"

"That's Professor Stone, the new muggle studies teacher." Hermione said pointing towards a portly, middle aged man who was currently brushing crumbs from his goatee which reached the middle of his chest. "Apparently he taught abroad during the war but transferred to Hogwarts once Voldemort had died."

"Ever the brave." Ron said, scrapping his plate with his fork.

"That's Professor Callow." She continued, pointing towards a handsome young man in deep purple robes. Leaning forward slightly so Professor Flitwick could speak in his ear, he sat with the confidence of a man who is respected by other men and sought by many women. "He's teaching Defence. I heard he went into research for a few years after he left Hogwarts but came back once the position opened up again. He's head of Gryffindor now that Professor McGonagall is Headmistress."

"And that, is Professor Hawker." she finished, pointing towards a sour looking women in pale green robes sitting next to Hagrid. She looked quite revolted as the giant in question was enthusiastically waving to Harry, knocking over his tankard in the process. Harry laughed and waved back at his old friend. "She's taking over Transfiguration. She's edited half the texts on the syllabus. She's world renowned in the field. I think she was asked here personally by Professor McGonagall.

"It's a shame Snape came back." Ron said with a yawn, stretching his arms over his head as the food before them vanished and was replaced by dessert. "I mean, I know he's not as bad as we thought but he's hardly going to favour any of us, is he?"

"Probably not." Hermione agreed hesitantly, her eyes scanning the length of the table. "He does seem different though."

Harry only nodded, focusing on his treacle tart rather than the man in question, afraid that he would betray his thoughts to Ron and Hermione. When all the students had finished eating and the noise level began to rise again, McGonagall got to her feet.

"Prefects please lead the first years to your dormitories." She said without flourish. "Good night to you all."

"She doesn't beat about the bush, does she?" Dean remarked as students began to rise from their tables and made their way to the double doors. "Good thing too, I'm bloody shattered."

Harry began to move with the other Gryffindors out towards the entrance hall when a small, warm hand grabbed his elbow. Turning to its owner, Harry smiled slightly as he met the brown eyes of his girlfriend. Pulling her to the side, Harry allowed others to pass and pulled away from a few students who were openly staring at the two.

"You weren't on the train?" Ginny said with a slight pout. "I haven't seen you all week, I was hoping we could spend a bit of time together."

"Sorry," Harry replied offhandedly. "I didn't really want to deal with the 'that's him' looks. I visited Teddy instead."

"Oh well," she recovered with a suggestive smile. "I'm sure we can find some private time soon?"

Harry was saved from answering with his name being called loudly. He turned as saw McGonagall moving along the throngs of students, waving for his attention over the heads of the crowd. Despite her newly elevated position within Hogwarts, she had changed little since Harry had knew her as a professor. Still as stern as ever.

"Mr Potter," She repeated once she had stopped within speaking distance. "If you could come with me. I need to speak to you in my office."

"Off to bed, Miss Weasley." McGonagall finished with a wave of her hand once she noticed Ginny hovering nearby.

With a small scowl, Ginny turned and moved with the rest of the school to the staircase. Harry fell into step beside McGonagall as they took the familiar path towards Dumbledore's office. Now McGonagall's office. When he reached the end of the corridor, he noticed absentmindedly that the gargoyles had been repaired over the summer and now stood strong at the entrance once more. It wasn't until Harry had stepped onto the moving staircase than the older woman spoke again.

"The Minister is here, it seems something has happened."

Harry sighed internally. _So much for blending in._

McGonagall opened the door and motioned for Harry to enter. No sooner had he stepped into the familiar circular office than the Minister for Magic stepped forward, his hand held before him in greeting.

"Harry." Kingsley said warmly, his hand gripping Harry's tightly. "It's very good to see you again."

"You too." Harry replied with a hesitant smile, suddenly nervous about his meeting with the new Minister. "How've you been?"

"Busy." Kingsley laughed, his golden earring glinting in the firelight. He motioned the small party forward with an outstretched hand. "The Ministry was left in quite a state since Voldemort's reign and its taking some work to repair the damage."

Harry nodded in understanding as he took a seat in the chair opposite the large desk, one he sat in many times before and turned to Kingsley expectantly. McGonagall took a seat behind the desk yet Kingsley remained standing, his back turned to the fireplace. "Has something happened?"

Kingsley opened his mouth to respond but a knock on the door interrupted him and Snape swept into the room, looking as intimidating as ever in his black robes. However, he no longer wore the high necked robes he had been so known for and now fashioned a more modern open collar cloak that exposed the long column of his neck. He paused in his steps when he noticed Harry sitting across from McGonagall, his eyes narrowed. Harry gulped.

"Harry Potter returns to Hogwarts for an hour and already something has gone awry." Snape said sardonically. "This must be a new record."

"Severus." McGonagall said tightly, warningly. "Have a seat."

With a flourish, Severus occupied the empty seat to Harry's left and crossed his legs elegantly. Kingsley cleared his throat and turned to the other occupants in the room.

"I appreciate you both coming here, I'm sorry to pull you away from your first night of term but I have been made aware of certain developments." Kingsley paused and took a deep breath as if steeling himself. "We have a number of aurors undercover in attempts to bring death eaters that have gone into hiding to light. One auror in particular has received information regarding a plot for revenge."

"Forgive me, Minister." Snape said after a moment of silence. "You have come to inform me that a death eater is currently plotting my demise. That is hardly newsworthy. I am well aware that there are many who wish for my death."

"You were not specifically named, Severus. It could be anyone from the Order but it is not something that should be ignored. After all, you and Harry were the most instrumental in bringing Voldemort down. It very possible that the plot is against either one of you."

"What should we do exactly?" Harry spoke finally, a little underwhelmed. As Snape said, having a death eater wish for his death was hardly newsworthy. "Hide under a rock until every death eater is caught?"

"Of course not." Kingsley replied consolingly. "The fact that you are both staying here is reassuring. I just want you both on your guard and try not to leave the castle alone. Even though Albus is no longer with us, Hogwarts is still one of the safest places to be."

"The wards are not as strong as they used to be." McGonagall volunteered, glancing towards the portrait of Dumbledore, who was currently dosing peacefully within his frame. "Hogwarts is still healing from the war. Many who fought in the battle have returned here."

"Yes that is some comfort." The Minister nodded. "Others are with the Ministry itself. I will be speaking with the Weasley family, Aberforth-"

"Andromeda." Harry straightened in his chair, panic rushing through him. "Teddy. My godson-"

Kingsley held up a hand to calm him. "I have already spoke to Andromeda, wards are being placed on her home as we speak. She was more concerned about you."

Harry sagged in relief at the news, he was already a bag of nerves regarding the health of his little godson, it wouldn't take much for full blown panic to set in. There were few who Harry truly cared for, few who saw beyond the title and the fame he had acquired since he had returned to the wizarding world at eleven. He couldn't bare losing someone else he loved. In spite of himself, Harry felt his attention drift towards the man at his left and somehow felt reassured by his presence as green eyes met black. He felt his breath catch as he caught a hint of admiration and something close to longing glittering in their depths. Snape blinked and Harry was sure he imagined it for a second later they were calm and calculating once more.

"Every measure will be taking to ensure your safety. The wizarding world owes you more than we can ever repay."

Kingsley turned to McGonagall and bowed his head in farewell. "I will be in touch shortly, Minerva. May I?" Kingsley enquired, pointing to the fireplace.

"Of course, Minister." McGonagall said rising to her feet to see him out. However, when Kingsley had left she fell into her throne-like chair in an undignified heap. "This is most upsetting."

"I'm sure nothing will come of it, Minerva."

Harry felt himself shift uncomfortably in his seat as the moments passed in silence, the heat of the man next to him was consuming, relentless. "May I go, Professor?"

At his request Snape stood smoothly and moved towards the door. McGonagall straightened in her seat once more, becoming the composed professor that Harry had come to know so well in his previous years. "Just one more moment of your time, if you don't mind?"

Harry didn't turn around but the defining click of the door closing told him that Snape had left the room. Releasing a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding Harry allowed himself to relax, ignoring that unpleasant twisting in his gut when ever he was around the other man.

"Now that everything has returned to normal. Or as normal as we can wish for," McGonagall said with a twist of her lips, "I had hoped you would return as quidditch captain this year?"

"Oh, um..." Harry was shocked at the request. He had loved quidditch but it felt like a lifetime that he had even thought of such things. After a moment, he nodded. "Yes, I'd like that."

"Good." McGonagall said, smiling slightly. Harry watched as she pulled something from one of the many desk drawers. Reaching a hand out, Harry realised it was the captain's badge. "Naturally, as Headmistress, I have no personal favourites any more but it will be nice to not lose this year's wager to Severus if Gryffindor lose. He will be most relentless."

Harry laughed despite the thump in his chest at the man's name and took the badge, running his thumb over its face. "Yes, Professor. It...It will be nice to get back to simpler things."

McGonagall gave Harry a knowing smile and nodded towards the door. "I believe it's past curfew, Potter. You should return to your dormitory."

Harry was at the door when McGonagall spoke again. "Please do take Kingsley's advice seriously, Mr Potter. I would not like to see you hurt again."

**HPHPHPHPHPHP**

Harry had made it half way back to Gryffindor tower, finding his feet taking him the long way back as he thought of quidditch and Ginny and normality when a deep voice startled him from his thoughts.

"Wandering the corridors on your first night back, Potter?"

Harry spun around on the spot and came face to face with none other than Snape. Arms crossed over his chest, the man stood in semi-darkness, the moonlight illuminating his stern face yet Harry could see that his eyes were not cold but soft, teasing.

"Are you going to deduct points, Professor Snape?"

Taking a step forwards, Snape leaned closer until Harry could feel his breath on his face. He smelled of firewhiskey and the chocolate cake they had served at dinner and something more. Something uniquely Snape. "Don't tempt me."

Harry felt a smile creep over his face in spite of himself. This man really was a mystery at times. "You came back."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Obviously."

"I'm surprised. I thought you hated teaching?"

"I have my reasons for returning, Harry." Snape said, his eyes boring into Harry's. After a pregnant pause, Snape cleared his throat and brushed past Harry. "Come."

Harry didn't know whether he had meant the command to sound domineering as it often had in the past but instead, it sounded warm, enticing. Cursing the fluttering in his stomach, Harry blindly followed the man not knowing if he were about to be punished for not returning to his dormitory immediately or not. For whatever had happened in the past, Harry trusted him. He would follow him anywhere. As they turned another corner, Harry blinked in surprise as he found himself standing before the portrait of the Fat Lady and realised that Snape had walked him to his dormitory.

"Despite what I may have said to the minister, do be careful. There are many wizards that would love nothing more than to claim the title of killing the Chosen One."

Harry frowned at the seriousness he saw in the man's face. He looked genuinely concerned. "Afraid you'll have to save my life again, Sir?"

Snape smiled slightly. "I'll always save you, Harry."

Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Harry could only gape as Snape turned and disappeared into shadows once more. It wasn't until he had left that Harry realised that he didn't know the password.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Thanks for reading and please review :)  
> XX


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling nor do I own Harry Potter. I am making no money from this, it is purely for entertainment.

**Chapter Three:**

With reflexes left over from his previous years, Harry came from deep sleep to full wakefulness as soon the rising sun breached the open window of the boy's dormitory. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Harry peered through the gap in his curtains and saw that the room was still, the sound of the other men snoring filling the room. With a sigh, Harry let his head drop back to the pillow with a soft _thud_. He thought perhaps it would be better, more productive to get up, grab a shower and prepare for the day and yet he found his mind drifting the longer he lay in his bed. His first week at Hogwarts had been fairly uneventful despite Kingsley's ominous news. After the events of the last year, the news of one of Voldemort's followers exacting revenge had failed to make an impression.

_Another day, another death eater._

His concern was less for himself and much more for the rest of the Order. Harry grimaced as his thoughts inevitably drifted to Snape, as they had almost daily during the last several months. During the summer he had almost convinced himself that his current obsession with the man was natural; borne of guilt and curiosity but now that he faced the man every day he could no longer deny his unruly emotions or the urgency of his body. Harry was no longer surprised at the response in the man's presence; it was becoming common practice. But he was angry about it. Being aroused in Snape's proximity was one thing but he didn't want to need him this fast, this hard, this deep as soon as the man entered his thoughts. Snape had barely approached him since the first night of term and yet he seemed to be everywhere Harry went, watching him with those dark eyes. Consuming him.

Pure lust shot through Harry, increasing the force of his erection until he could feel the pounding of his heart in his own dick. Without conscious thought Harry's hand drifted lower until his fingertips met the band of his pyjama bottoms. How often had he lay in this bed, desperate for release and yet never allowing himself the sweet relief. Not with Severus Snape on his mind. It was wrong; the man was old enough to be his father, he had been a death eater, they barely tolerated each other, he had a girlfriend. On and on the list went. He found he had to recall the reasons more and more as the day progressed but it was getting harder to ignore his raging need. He hoped it would soon pass.

Disgusted with himself, irritated with Snape for nothing more than arousing him and not knowing it, Harry flung aside his blanket and jumped to his feet. Storming to the showers, Harry stripped until he was naked and stepped under the scalding stream of water, resting his weight against the tiled wall until his arousal had subsided to an aching memory. He didn't know how long he stood under the rushing water but soon the sound of his dorm mates rising from their beds reached his ears. Turning of the shower, Harry toweled himself off and readied himself for the day ahead, gritting in his teeth as he realised that his first class was double potions.

 

**HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP**

 

“The Wiggenweld potion is a highly advanced potion capable of awakening an individual from a magically induced sleep.” Snape said, walking between the rows of desks, his fingers running along the edge of each one as he passed. “Some of you may have come across it last year under Professor Slughorn's tutelage however considering certain....distractions in the previous year, we shall be reviewing it.”

Snape spun on his heel once he reached the head of the classroom and his eyes scanned around the room. Harry lowered his glance before they reached his side of the room, focusing on the engravings on the worn desk, afraid to look up and meet that penetrating stare. “The instructions are on the board, the ingredients are before you. You may begin.”

It was strange how much easier he found brewing without certain student's jeopardizing his potion. Draco Malfoy had been one of the few Slytherin's of his year that had returned to Hogwarts to complete his education and despite from a few hesitant nods and a somewhat uncomfortable thank you on their first day of classes, Harry and he had little interaction. Before his taunts and sabotages would have Harry's temper at a trigger point and yet now, there was no real distraction. All but one. It was almost soothing and if it weren't for Snape's close proximity, Harry was sure he could close his mind to everything but the bubbling cauldron before him.

Over an hour had passed before Harry raised his aching neck, and taking a quick look into Hermione's potion was satisfied that he was correctly brewing it as both potions had taken on a pale sickly yellow colour. Looking towards the board, Harry realised he was still a few steps from completion with the class soon coming to an end. As if against his will, his eyes scanned across the room towards the teacher's desk and locked with Snape's, who was staring directly at Harry with such familiarity that he felt the breath catch in his throat.

Dropping his eyes towards his potion, Harry grabbed for the honeywater determined to finish his potion and leave the classroom before he embarrassed himself again. With one drop, his potion turned a violent blue; with the second drop, the cauldron began to shake and by the time Harry tried to pull back his hand, a large glob of the potion had exploded from the cauldron like lava erupting from a volcano, coating his skin. Harry clenched his teeth as the potion continued to bubble and boil against his flesh, burning him slowly, painfully. Screams and yells came from opposite ends of the room as the cauldron began to vibrate ferociously, tilting back and forth on its curved base. A shift of magic in the air surrounded Harry a second before strong arms turned him on the spot, curling around him as the cauldron gave a final hiss, shooting out another large lump of potion before becoming still once more. Harry felt Snape's pain more than heard it when the potion hit his back and yet he didn't make a sound. If it weren't for the tensing of his chest and the thudding of his heart against Harry's cheek where he was pulled in safely, no one would know the man had been hurt.

Tucking his injured hand against his chest, Harry pulled away from the all too comforting arms of Snape and stepped back, looking around the classroom. Every student had moved towards the back of the class, some ducked behind desks and chairs to escape the path of the explosion. Snape's voice broke the still.

“Class dismissed. Every one will receive full marks on this occasion. You may go.”

Ron, whose potion had turned an odd sludge like texture, seemed particularly happy at Snape's generosity. Student's shuffled about, grabbing their bags and parchment. Ron and Hermione came towards Harry, a look of concern on their faces as they eyed the potion stained skin of his cradled hand.

“Oh, Harry” Hermione exclaimed, reaching for her bag. “Does it hurt?”

“Just a smidge.” Harry replied through clenched teeth. Ron put a hand on his shoulder, leading him towards the door.

“Come on, free period next. Let's get you to Madam Pomfrey.”

“I will see to Potter, Weasley.” Snape's voice interjected coldly. Harry went still. “Leave.”

With a shrug and a look of commiseration, Ron and Hermione left the classroom closing the door behind them with a resounding _click._ A low groan erupted from behind and Harry spun on the spot, facing Snape in time to see him peeling off his stained robes with obvious difficulty. Harry's heart clenched within his chest at the sight of the man's pain.

“I'm sorry.” Harry began, shifting on the spot as the burning in his hand continued to build. Snape smiled, more teeth than amusement and threw his spoiled robes over Harry's desk.

“No apologies, Harry.” He said softly, wrapping a gentle yet firm hand around Harry's forearm above his injury, Snape whispered under his breath and the thick globular potion disappeared instantly yet the pain remained. After a few moments of studying the reddened, blistering skin Snape frowned and waved his hand back and forth elegantly, as if conducting an orchestra. A glass bowl floated into the room from the storage cupboard followed by corked jar filled with some unknown clear liquid. Harry watched in fascination as Snape uncorked the jar and poured its contents into the bowl, the light of the torches shimmering on the surface.

“Is that some sort of healing potion?”

Snape's eyebrow arched, with surprise or amusement Harry couldn't tell.

“Yes, one of the most healing substances known to man and wizard alike. Water.” Snape finished at Harry's blank gaze, his eyes glittering with humour. _Amusement it is then_ , Harry thought. Before he could respond, soft fingers lifted his injured hand and placed it into the cold water. “That should help ease the pain. I'll deal with the burns once the skin is cleansed.”

Harry dropped into one of the chairs, careful not to spill any of the water over the rim of the bowl.

“What about you?” Harry said, his eyes focusing on the man's chest rather than his face. “You're hurt.”

“The potion is more potent when it is exposed to naked skin. The pain has already eased.” Snape replied silkily, falling into one of stools beside Harry with a masculine grace that made Harry's cock throb. Licking his lips, Harry turned his head towards the now half-melted, completely ruined cauldron and frowned.

“I am a bit rubbish at this. I don't know what happened.”

“You were doing well, until the end.” Snape replied, neither patronisingly nor pityingly. “You must allow the flobberworm mucus to be absorbed fully before you can add the honeywater. It becomes quite violent if you do not.”

“So I noticed.” Harry said dryly. Snape laughed softly, more a low rumble in the back of his throat than true laughter yet it was laughter nonetheless. “You seem so different.”

“In some ways, yes.” The older man replied, tilting his head to the side. If he was surprised at the sudden turn of conversation, he didn't show it. “In other ways, no.”

“I never thought I'd see the day that you'd give everyone full marks.”

“Your friend Weasley should thank you for your selfless act.” Snape said with a sneer. “He was fast approaching a zero with that concoction.”

Harry laughed. “I guess some things don't change.”

“And some things do. I'm not the man I was for many reasons.” Snape said, gazing off into the distance with a look of a man deep in thought before he turned suddenly and stared into Harry's eyes with an intensity that shocked him. “I am capable of more than what I was, Harry. I need you to know that.”

Somewhat uncomfortable with the serious of the conversation, Harry nodded silently, unable to tear his eyes away from the man despite his unease. “I know.”

“May I?” Snape said, holding a hand out for Harry's injured one. Shaking off the residual droplets of water, Harry hissed through his teeth as his tender skin met the air. With another wave of his hand, a second jar floated from the storage room and slid down the length of the table with a loud _screetch_. Wrapping his long delicate fingers of one hand around Harry's injured skin, Snape began to lather the sweet smelling, green lotion with the other. “Many congratulations by the way. Witch Weekly's most charming smile award. It seems you have achieved fame beyond all we could have imagined.”

Harry frowned in mock annoyance. “Very funny. What a load of nonsense.”

“Fame often is.” Snape replied simply, solemnly. “How has your first week been?”

“Despite all the staring, it's been fine.” Harry said, his gaze flicking between the soothing motion of Snape's hands on his skin, and those mesmerising eyes. “I've gotten used to that by now.”

Snape smirked. “No more disillusionment charms?”

Harry felt his jaw drop. “So you did see me. How the hell did you do that?”

“This may surprise you Mr. Potter but I am an exceptionally gifted wizard in all areas of magic, not just potions.” Harry raised his eyebrows in question, wondering why the man was pointing out the obvious. “Those few who have such skill can feel magic shift, mold and appear around them. You are a particularly gifted wizard and your magic entering a room is as clear as a siren sounding your presence. I could feel you, Harry.”

Snape finished, staring deeply into his eyes. Heat coursed through Harry and goosebumps erupted along his skin from the other man's touch, no longer rubbing but now stroking as if enjoying the feel of the skin beneath.

“I guess that means I'll have to use my cloak if I want to sneak out after curfew.”

“No, I would still catch you.” Looking down at the joined hands, Snape let Harry's hand slip through his own as if he were desperate to prolong the contact. “You'll be a little tender for a few days but there shouldn't be any permanent damage.”

“Thanks.” Harry said, quickly reaching for his school bag. “I'm sorry again for the mess.”

“Concentrate a little harder next time, Mr Potter and I'm sure we won't have this problem again.”

Nodding in agreement, Harry turned and walked towards the door, trying to ignore the tingling in his hand. When his hand rested on the door knob, Harry heard Snape speak again.

“I wonder if I might ask you a favour, Harry?”

Harry felt his eyebrows raise in surprise as he turned to face the older man. He had never in all his years at Hogwarts heard Severus Snape ask for a favour. Nevertheless, he would give it to him. “Of course, Sir.”

“I understand that you and Mr Malfoy have put your past hostilities aside?” At Harry's nod, Snape continued. “Might I ask that you extend the hand of friendship that you so cordially offered to me, to him? He may hide it well but he admires you a great deal, and I think it will ease some of the guilt that he carries.”

“I...uh,” Harry cleared his throat, hating the flash of jealousy he felt at Snape's obvious concern for the younger Malfoy “Of course, I mean...I can try.”

“That is all I ask, Harry.” Snape said, nodding slightly in thanks. Harry raised a hand in farewell and left the room, trying to ignore the small voice deep within his conscious that told him to stay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Of course the sex isn't coming yet, Harry needs a couple of more chapters to get used to things. Thanks for reading and please review :)  
> XX


	5. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: Finally I updated. I started a new job and unfortunately real life is more important. Enjoy XX
> 
> Warning: Remember this is an M-rated story so there are adult themes in here. Don't like, don't read.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. I am not making money from this story, it is purely for entertainment.

**Chapter Four:**

There was an icy wind that welcomed the end of September, a breeze that was kissed with the cold bite of early autumn. The scent of the wind and the rain and the familiar green of the forbidden forest stripped into nakedness with each leaf that fell, left Harry feeling bereft. Shaking off the deep bone cold, Harry pulled his robe tighter and set off towards the castle again. The sound of shouting that carried through the still air barely registered, as early morning risers yelled to each other across the front lawn. He had wandered too far in his early morning exploration, waking before dawn in a pool of his own sweat, his voice hoarse from his silent screams. The nightmare had come again that night. He should have expected it, and yet every night for six nights Harry had been pulled into the bloody ruins of his own mind with such a speed that he had no chance to fight it. What he saw had made him freeze, unable to move or hear anything but his own jagged breath. Snape lay before him as he had that night so long ago, and yet the scene seemed so much more horrific than it had previously. He was surrounded by a deep, deep red. Everywhere he looked there was blood, more blood than he had ever seen. Harry had wanted to close his eyes to it all but the dream forced them open, his pulse pounding beat after beat in the back of his throat as he watched helplessly as Snape's life drained away. It was then that Harry would wake, feeling as if the air itself was suffocating him.

Blinking away the remains of his sleep, Harry had stumbled from the castle in search of much needed air. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly dreaming of that night after so long but it felt like he was somehow running out of time. For what, Harry wasn't sure. And yet every morning he woke with a feeling a cold dread in the pit of his chest, keeping him from his much desired peace. It was exhausting. Shoulders hunched against the rising chill, Harry took the long familiar path around the lake, staring across the still waters that seemed to glisten like a thousand diamonds beneath the autumn sun. There wasn't a soul this far into the grounds, most students favouring the warmth of the great hall for breakfast or still in their bed, clinging to the last few moments of sleep before they would have to join the world again. All except one.

Despite the distance, Harry didn't even need to squint to recognise the slumped form of Draco Malfoy, his pale hair as familiar to him as his arrogance. And yet, as Harry moved closer, there was no trace of superiority in the hunched lines of his back, no haughtiness in the curves of his face. He looked defeated and for a moment, Harry forgot about their uneasy past and felt nothing but sympathy. He was more like a brother in arms that had lost his way, than an enemy. Staring at the broken figure, Harry knew now was the time to act. He would try fulfil his vow to Snape and offer his friendship to the blonde, welcome or not. Taking a deep breath, Harry moved forward, shoulders straight and determined for the difficult conversation that was sure to come. As he approached, Malfoy didn't lift his head and yet the tensing of his shoulders told Harry he was aware of his presence. Harry sat on the fallen log next to the blonde and said nothing, an almost companionable silence falling over them as they stared out over the water.

"Snape sent you, didn't he?" Malfoy broke the still, his voice uncharacteristically soft.

"He mentioned you might need someone to talk to." Harry responded diplomatically. Malfoy snorted.

"And he thought you were the person for the job?"

Harry frowned. "If you think about it, it makes sense."

That silenced the other man, his shoulders slumping forward in acquiesce and yet his long, pale fingers were still locked together, his knuckles turning white with tension.

"I don't need your help, Potter." Malfoy continued after a minute, his head finally turning towards Harry. His swollen, blood shot eyes shocking against the dark circles under his eyes; testament to his uneven sleeping patterns. "Whatever Snape's asked of you, consider yourself off the hook."

Harry turned away to look over the lake again, and pondered another tactic. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry about Crabbe. I know he was your friend."

Malfoy shook his head minutely, a look of annoyance crossing his face. "Bloody fool. I don't know what he was thinking, he could barely stun never mind control fiendfyre. He nearly killed us all. He was a kid playing war, he didn't realise what he was doing. None of us did."

Malfoy paused, scrubbing a hand over his face. The words were obviously causing the man great pain and yet it seemed as if he had never truly voiced them to anyone. It was almost cathartic to watch. He couldn't help but remember the confrontation with Snape months earlier when Harry himself had voiced his true feelings under the penetrating stare of the older man. It was as if a weight had been lifted from him, admitting that he was as lost as everyone else. The recollection of Snape's hand in his came uninvited to the forefront of his mind and he shifted uncomfortably as his cock grew hard and heavy in his trousers at the mere memory of the man. Feeling embarrassed and somewhat guilty for his waning attention, Harry turned back to his companion, relieved when it appeared that Malfoy seemed unaware of his growing discomfort.

"You saved my life."

Harry blinked at the sudden change of direction. "You saved mine."

"No, it was different." Malfoy said almost angrily. "You could have left me there. You came back even after everything I've done to you. After everything I've done…."

He stopped suddenly, looking uncomfortable and what he was about to admit. "I know what you've done, Malfoy. I know what he made you do."

Malfoy turned his head towards him so swiftly, Harry was surprised his neck didn't snap in two. "How could you know-"

"The daily prophet wasn't lying when they said I had visions of Voldemort. I could see what he saw….and vice versa. You did what you had to, to survive."

Malfoy stumbled into a shocked silence and yet he still looked tormented. "If it makes you feel any better, I used an unforgivable on your aunt and Carrow…and Travers…oh, and Bogrod in Gringotts."

A stunned silence followed Harry's sheepish confession before Malfoy gave a loud crack of laughter, his face creasing with genuine humour. "And here I thought the Golden Boy could do no wrong."

Harry grinned. "Like I said, I did what I had to, to survive. Although your aunt deserved it."

Malfoy nodded, his face becoming sombre once more. "She killed your godfather."

It wasn't a question and yet Harry nodded. "Yes, she killed my godfather."

"She crowed about it enough."

"Bitch."

Another silence fell over them, neither comfortable nor awkward. After a moment, Malfoy stood stretching his arms over his head before he turned towards Harry. "Why are you doing this Potter? If you feel obligated because I lied to my father to help you then you're off the hook. You saved my life, you kept my family out of Azkaban. As far as I'm concerned you owe me nothing. So why the hell do you keep trying to save me?"

"Because I think you're worth saving." Harry responded calmly, noting the look of shock on the other man's face. He got to his feet. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing, Malfoy. I get up every day and I wonder how the hell I got through this war alive. But whatever it was, I know for damn sure it wasn't through hating. I've seen what that does to a person and it's not what I came back for. Do you know how lucky we are that we survived? How many good people never got that chance?"

"Of course I do, Potter." Malfoy snapped. "I think about it every day."

"You feel guilty." Harry continued harshly. "Good. It means your human. It means you feel something. So it would be a damn slap in the face if you sat here and destroyed yourself when hundreds of people gave their lives so that we could stand here and have this bloody awkward conversation."

"What am I going to do?" Malfoy spat, running his hands through his already messy hair. "I'm not you, Potter. I'm not a hero alright. You don't go from a death eater to a hero."

"If Snape can, then you can." Malfoy calmed instantly but Harry still continued to reason with the blonde. He felt as if he were on the precipice of something. And he needed to voice it now while he still could, while Malfoy was willing to listen. "You don't have to save the world to be a hero, Malfoy. You just have to try and rebuild as much as you can. Even if you helped knock it down."

Malfoy snorted. "You sound like Dumbledore. He was always sprouting nonsense like that."

"Surely, you heard the rumours about him during the war?" Malfoy nodded dismissively, staring at Harry as he remained silent. His face fell in surprise.

"You're not serious?" Malfoy responded. "It's all true?"

Harry nodded. "It's still Skeeter that's writing it so there's a lot of drivel in there but the gist of it is the truth. If Dumbledore can go from that to the man he was then what's your excuse Malfoy?"

Instead of being insulted, Malfoy seemed to grow taller with Harry's words, his once defeated stance disappearing before his eyes, neither as arrogant nor intimidating as before but assured, confident. Harry was sure there was still a lot more healing to be done in the other man but for now he seemed to have the will to do so and that was enough for Harry.

"I'm starving." Malfoy said suddenly, turning towards the castle only pausing to look over shoulder at Harry. "Hurry the fuck up, Potter. My dead aunt moves quicker than you."

Harry grinned and hurried to catch up with the longer strides of the blonde as they made their way to the great hall for breakfast. Turning his face to the sky, Harry blinked into the sun. Maybe it was just him, but the morning air didn't seem as cold as it was.

                                                                                                                      **HPHPHPHPHP**

By the time Harry and Malfoy had reached the door to the Great Hall, most of the school had arrived for breakfast. Scanning the length of the Gryffindor table, Harry spotted Ron, Hermione and Ginny half way along the already crowed row, staring at him with equal looks of disbelief on their faces. Sighing in resignation, Harry moved to join them however, Malfoy stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Harry turned.

"Thank you, Harry." Malfoy said, holding his hand out between them. "You're alright for a Gryffindor."

Harry smiled and clasped his hand warmly. "Bastard."

Malfoy smirked and turned towards the Slytherin table, his shoulders hunching slightly again as he sat at the end of the table alone, some distance from the rest of the house. Harry moved towards the Gryffindor table, preparing himself for the barrage of questions that were sure to be sent his way from his well-meaning friends. He had no sooner sat down beside Hermione before the trio began firing questions at him in one jumbled chorus of voices. Holding up his hand, Harry silenced them before reaching for a slice of toast.

"One at a time." Harry said, taking a bite of his toast. Ron was only more than happy to oblige.

"What the bloody hell was that all about mate?" He said with gusto, looking at Harry as if he had announced his desire to become a pygmy puff. "You're not seriously friends with that pratt now?"

"I wouldn't say friends, Ron. Let's just say we've reached a truce." Harry replied gently, noting the passing look of jealousy that crossed his friends face.

"What about what his family did to Hermione and Luna?" Ginny asked, looking angrier by the second. "How can you even think of being friends with him after that?"

"His family, Ginny." Harry answered, his toast now forgotten. "Not him. Don't blame him for his family's actions."

"Bellatrix Lestrange was his aunt, she tortured Hermione. She killed Sirius-"

"Yes, I know Ginny." Harry snapped. "I was there, remember."

Harry sighed and lowered his tone at the hurt that crossed her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. Look, he can't be blamed for what his family did."

"I'm telling you, Harry. You can't trust someone like Malfoy." Ron said.

"I'm tired of hating, Ron. I'm not going to spend my life holding on to some childhood grudge. He's not the same person as he was so until he proves me otherwise, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he's changed. I'm not asking any of you to do the same."

Hermione cleared her throat softly, obviously shaken by the abrupt reminder of her brief torture at the hands of Bellatrix. "I think Harry's right."

"What?" Ron exploded, shooting his girlfriend a look of disbelief. "How can you forgive him Hermione? He's spent half his life calling you a Mudblood."

"It's in the past." Hermione said firmly, before turning to Harry. "I still think you should be careful, Harry. His father still holds an influence over him. He could still prove to be difficult."

Harry lowered his voice and leaned towards the young woman beside him. "I know. He's got a lot to prove but I'm not going to hold him back by throwing his mistakes in his face every time I see him."

Hermione smiled, looking at Harry fondly. "I think that's the right thing to do."

Ron opened his mouth to argue but one withering look from Hermione and he closed it again. "Harry's heard our concerns and that's the end of it."

Finally, Ron shrugged half-heartedly and muttered a "whatever" under his breath. Harry sighed internally, knowing that this discussion was far from over but he also knew his best friend would come around. Sensing no more objections would be sent his way, Harry got to his feet, muttered a "later" and left to get changed for his class of the morning.

The day was uneventful after the morning drama, and no more was said about Malfoy amongst the small group however, he often caught Ginny staring at him with an odd look on her face when she thought he wasn't looking. It was the hippogriff in the room and Harry knew that he and his girlfriend would have to talk frankly at some point but between the conversation with Malfoy, his friend's obvious disapproval and Snape's distracting attention, Harry was emotionally drained. Running up to his dormitory, nearly trampling a startled looking first year as he passed, Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak and slipped down the stairs, sparing a glance at his friends huddled together in one of the chairs by the fireplace. It left him feeling bereft and yet he had no desire to turn to Ginny for similar comfort. What he desired now more than anything was silence, and the comfort of an old friend whose solace had eased his pain so many times before.

The walk to the astronomy tower was hectic and Harry spent most of his time trying to dodge between groups of students on their way to their dormitories after class or to play outside on the lawn before dinner, in the light of the setting sun. Talking the stairs two at a time, Harry burst through the door to the Astronomy Tower and felt his breath catch in the sight that greeted him. Pulling off his cloak, Harry crossed the floor and leaned against the stone ramparts, ignoring the muffled conversation coming from somewhere in the depths of the castle below and stared out around the majestic grounds. The sun had nearly disappeared behind the line of mountains in the distance, setting much earlier now that autumn had arrived, bathing the rolling grounds of Hogwarts in a warm golden light. Despite the chill in the air, Harry sighed and closed his eyes peacefully. He didn't know how somewhere that had seen such violence and death could still look so beautifully innocent. Here, was the last place he had seen Dumbledore alive, truly alive and for a moment, if he listened hard enough, he was sure he could hear phoenix song once more.

Harry opened his eyes with the shift in the air and knew without turning around that he was no longer alone, or who his companion was.

"How is it you always find me when I'm feeling sorry for myself?" Harry asked, still staring out across the darkening grounds.

"Are you of the opinion that I am following you?" Snape said, so close that his breath tickled the hairs on the back of Harry's neck. "Perhaps I have come here for the same reason as you-a little solace from an old friend."

Harry turned towards the older man in surprise, his stomach flipping at the small smirk that lifted the corner of the man's mouth and the humorous warmth that graced his eyes. Harry smiled. "Are you reading my mind again?"

"The mind, Mr Potter," Snape began, slipping into his teacher mode in the blink of an eye, "is not a-"

"-book to be opened at will and examined at leisure. The mind is a complex and many-layered thing." Harry finished teasingly, enjoying the passing look of surprise that crossed Snape's face. "You see, Sir. Despite what you may think, I do have a brain."

"Of that I had no doubt, simply whether or not you used it." Snape replied, moving around Harry to lean against the rampart, turning his back against the picturesque view, his hands clasped before him. "I confess; I'm surprised you can recall what I said in such detail. I thought you ignored everything I said to you."

"I remember everything you've said to me." Harry replied softly, without thinking. He gulped audibly when Snape turned towards him, his eyes intense.

"Is that so?" He asked in a voice that caused shivers to dance over Harry's skin. Cursing at his lack of control, Harry turned away slightly to hide his growing erection, praying that it would ease soon. Thankfully, Snape ceased his intense scrutiny and stared unseeingly beyond Harry, towards the doorway. "You seem troubled."

"Um, not really." Harry stumbled, pulling at his collar as he felt the heat rise to his cheeks.

"Trouble in paradise?" The other man snarked suddenly, reminding Harry of the cruel potions master who callously mocked Harry for his misfortunes. Frowning, Harry silently stared at the man unsure of what he was referring to. Snape clarified: "Your girlfriend."

"Not really." Harry replied, feeling uncomfortable discussing his girlfriend with the man who had become the star guest in his wanking fantasies in the previous months. "Why do you ask?"

"You and I are friends, are we not?" Snape said simply, turning to lean his side against the stone wall, facing Harry with a knowing stare. "Is this not what friends discuss?"

"I suppose." Harry mumbled. "Everything's fine, thanks."

"I'm glad to hear it." Snape responded softly, smiling slightly at Harry's obvious discomfort. After a moment, he seemed to take pity on the younger man and looked away. "Mr Malfoy seems much improved."

"Huh?" Harry said, blindsided by the sudden change in conversation. "Oh, yeah. We talked this morning. I don't know if I got through to him much but he didn't tell me to piss off."

"Thank you, Harry." Snape said softly, after a moment of silence. "You don't realise how much your friendship means to someone who has little experience of it."

Harry was sure the older man was not only referring to Malfoy but he was so touched by the man's words he found he couldn't respond for a moment. "Do you miss him?"

"Albus?" Snape asked softly. He only nodded. "Yes, he was one of the few people who has ever seen any good in me. I miss his wisdom, his council."

"He cared about you a lot." Harry wasn't sure why he felt it was important that he tell Snape this, only that he couldn't stand the sadness that appeared in the man's eyes. Snape smiled sadly.

"Not quite as much as he loved you, Harry." He said simply, without pity. "I think he was always a little disappointed in me, as he should have been. You, you he admired, he respected above all. I admit, I envied you for that."

"Severus." Harry began, feeling his heart break a little at the man's acceptance of his self-worth. "He didn't – I -"

"Hush." Snape interrupted, smiling a little. "I know I wasn't a good man, Harry. I would like to think that if he were here today that maybe he would be a little proud of who I have become now. He always believed I was capable of it, even if I didn't. Just like you, I am also tired of hating."

Harry's eyes snapped from their inspection of the floor at the man's knowing tone. "Now you are reading my mind."

Snape laughed softly. "One doesn't need to read your mind, Harry. You wear your thoughts proudly for the world to see. It doesn't take a Legilimens to figure out what's brewing in that mind of yours."

"Oh." Harry said sheepishly. It was the first time Snape had ever referred to his lack of skill in Occlumency with anything less than disgust.

"And I followed you."

Harry was startled for a moment at Snape's confession before he laughed, his heart skipping a beat at the smile playing around the older man's mouth. Not for the first time, Harry wondered what it would be like to kiss the upturn of his lips. Or how welcome such a bold move would be. "Your honesty is appreciated."

Snape smiled a little wider, showing a brief flash of white before he became serious once more. "I'm very touched, Harry."

"I'm sorry?"

"For what you said to Draco. I don't think I deserved such praise but I was honoured to receive it nonetheless."

Harry shook his head. "You deserve more. The Ministry should have given you an Order of Merlin, money…. something. Doing what you did, every day…you're a very brave man."

Something changed in Snape's eyes at his words and Harry felt his heart stop and redouble in his chest as the man moved closer. "That is worth more than any accolade the Ministry could bestow upon me."

Harry felt his throat close over as Snape's eyes dropped to his lips, staring at his mouth with blatant hunger. "Severus…."

"Yes, Harry?" Snape took another step until their chests were touching. Harry nearly moaned aloud at the contact, his cock now straining against the zipper of his school trousers, his breath stuttering when it brushed against the man's thigh. Snape smirked at the evidence of Harry's arousal. "So eager." Snape said against his mouth, more breath than words.

"What are you doing?" Harry tried to be forceful, to push the man away but instead it came out breathlessly, desperately and his hands found themselves pressed against his chest, marvelling at the muscle he felt beneath his fingertips. "I don't…want…"

Snape laughed softly against his neck, and Harry nearly came on the spot as felt the warmth of his tongue against his pulse. "I told you Harry. You can't hide your thoughts from me. I could see you desire every time you looked at me. You have no idea how many times I almost lost control. I needed to know that you were sure, that you were ready…. but now I have you. No more running, Harry. I want you….and I intend to have you."

Before Harry could utter another word of dissent, Snape fingers were working on his zipper and then his hand was inside his trousers, stroking him, gripping him with such expertise that Harry nearly came on the spot.

"Oh,  _fuck_." Harry groaned. Dropping his head against the other man's shoulder, Harry stifled another moan as Snape sped his hand up. By the time Snape's mouth had found his neck once more, Harry ceased to think. Lifting his head, Harry buried his hands in the thickness of Snape's hair and tugged sharply until he could look into his eyes, those eyes that had tormented him for months. With his free hand, Snape cradled Harry's cheek, his thumb stroking along his lower lip, parting his mouth. Without thought, Harry's pressed his tongue against the man's thumb, moaning at the taste of his skin. With a growl that was less than human, Snape gripped the back of Harry's head and captured his mouth in a searing kiss.

A kaleidoscope of colours danced behind his eyes as he devoured what was being offered so freely. His body was on over-drive and too many emotions and reactions were firing through his brain. If a single sound was made in the castle, Harry didn't hear it through the pounding in his ears. Never before had he been kissed like this, like he was being possessed with each stroke of the man's tongue. He was simpering against the man's mouth, gripping his shoulders and hair as each stroke of the man's hand brought his closer to release. When breathing became a necessity, Snape pulled away, his lips swollen and wet from their frantic coupling.

"Please, Severus…. Fuck, don't stop." Harry moaned desperately, his eyes closing against the barrage of pleasure that was building in the pit of his stomach.

"No, keep your eyes open." Snape whispered forcefully, giving Harry's hair a little tug, staring into his eyes. "Look at me. Come for me, Harry."

It was too much for Harry to endure. He didn't know if it was his desire, the man's obvious skill or the forbidden thought that they might be discovered at any minute, but Harry came, his body shuddering as he released into Snape's hand. Harry felt as if his legs had turned to jelly and if it hadn't been for the strong arms holding him up, he was sure he would have collapsed at the man's feet. Relaxing into the strong chest beneath his cheek, Harry waited for his heart rate to slow and his breathing to return to normal, purring softly as he felt Snape's lips press against the back of his head. Such a warm, affectionate gesture after their lust-filled joining. It was unlike any pleasure he had ever known, either by his own hand or by Ginny's and for the first time in months he felt at peace. However, no sooner had the thought of his girlfriend came unbidden to his mind, Harry felt as if he had been dosed with a jet of cold water, ripped from the warmth of his post-orgasmic daze.

_What had he done?_

Pushing against Snape's chest, Harry stumbled back from the man, feeling a sense of foreboding settling in the pit of his stomach. Running his hands through his hair, Harry gripped the sides of his head as he began to panic, searching blindly for his cloak. Spotting it in the far corner, he stumbled towards it, pulling up his zipper as he went, trying to ignore the shame that was threatening to suffocate him.

"Harry." Snape said firmly. Harry ignored him. Now that his desire had been sated, the realisation of what he had done weighed firmly on his shoulders. It was more than he could bear. " _Harry._ "

A strong hand wrapped itself around his arm, and before long he was facing an angry looking Snape. " _Stop!_  What do you think you're doing? You think I'm just going to let you walk away after that."

"Don't you realise what we just did, what  _I_ did?" Harry said, his voice breaking beneath his panic. "I have a girlfriend, you're my teacher. You're old enough to be my father-"

"Enough!" Snape said firmly, giving Harry a shake. "I know it seems incredible but you cannot deny what happened here. I will not allow you to deny what happened here."

"You could lose your job. Do you realise that? You could get fired for fucking a student-"

"-Do you think I care about this job, Harry?!" Snape said forcefully, gripping Harry's arms so tightly Harry was sure they would bruise, pulling him against the warmth of his chest once more. Despite his panic and his shame, Harry wanted nothing more than to curl into the man's arms, the force of his orgasm still racing through his body. "I came back here for you."

Harry felt his breath catch in his throat. "What?"

"I only accepted Minerva's offer when I knew you would return here to finish your studies. I care little if they fire me and if my age was that bothersome to you, you wouldn't have wanted me in the first place. Tell me I'm wrong Harry."

Harry stared at the man in shock, wanting nothing more than to do that very thing and yet he couldn't lie. His age meant little to him. Hell, Harry felt older than his years most of the time and yet what happened here still felt wrong to him, even as it felt unbelievably right. Snape lowered his head towards Harry's mouth again and despite everything telling him to stop it, Harry didn't move. He moaned slightly as Snape's lips pressed against his, lighter this time and yet there was an unmistakable hint of possessiveness in his kiss. Snape's hands came up to cradle his face and Harry wanted to do nothing more than to throw himself into the man's arms and hide from the world.

After a moment, Harry pulled away. "I'm with Ginny, Severus. I care about her, I can't do this to her."

A flicker of pain flashed through Snape's eyes, and Harry felt his shame redouble. Snape leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together, his eyes closing, his breath ghosting over Harry's lips as he spoke. "She'll never satisfy you, Harry. You know that."

"You and I would never work, Severus." Harry said, finally pulling away and turning towards the door. " _You_  know that. I'm going to pretend this didn't happen. I have to."

Harry hurried over to the door leading to the spiral staircase, but his hand had only just closed upon the iron ring of the door when Snape spoke again. "You never did ask me who I dreamt of."

"I'm sorry?" Harry asked, turning to face the older man again. He was standing where Harry had left him, looking as intimidating as Harry had remembered him in his younger years except his hands were clenched at his sides as if he was trying to control himself.

"When I died, I told you I saw my life with someone, someone I loved." Snape said walking towards Harry. "Ask me who that was, Harry."

"No." Harry whispered, a feeling of realisation settling over him. This was why Snape had changed so much, why he had wanted Harry so much, even his actions in the hospital when he regained consciousness. He was trying desperately to cling to a reality that didn't exist. Snape stopped just before him, close enough that Harry could still feel the heat radiating off the man.

"I died in your arms," Snape continued as if Harry had never spoke, "and I woke up lying next to my husband only to ripped from him again. And when I come to, surprise surprise, I find myself back in your arms."

"It wasn't real." Harry replied, trying to steady the tremble in his voice. Snape's face twisted in pure rage and he slammed his fist against the door next to Harry's head. Harry flinched yet it wasn't out of fear. He knew this man would never hurt him but his heart ached at the pain he saw in the man's eyes, buried deep beneath the anger. Pain Harry had caused.

"It was real to me." Snape whispered, his eyes boring into Harry's. "And if you think you can forget about what happened here tonight then you're the one who's dreaming."

Pushing Harry to the side, Snape swung the door open and left, disappearing down the spiral staircase and into the depths of the castle. Harry took a shaky breath, his mind racing with unanswered questions. He jumped suddenly when Snape's angry voice reached his ears from beneath him.

" _Davies! Beaks! Back to your dormitories! Two hundred points from Slytherin for breaking curfew. NOW!"_

Walking back towards his fallen cloak, Harry scooped it up and threw it over his shoulders, not wanting Filch or Peeves to discover him in this state. He made his way down the spiral staircase and took the familiar path towards Gryffindor tower. Absentmindedly, he realised that it was past curfew and he had missed dinner and yet he wasn't hungry. Not for food. Harry knew he had made the right decision; he was sure of it. Then why did he want nothing more than to chase after Snape and beg the man to forgive him. Harry sighed heavily as he reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, not even remembering how he got there. He doubted there would be little sleep for him tonight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/B: There we have it. Probably lots of spelling mistakes cause I rushed it a bit but please re-view :)   
> Hedwig XX

**Author's Note:**

> N/B: Thanks for reading and please review  
> XX


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